It was the summer of 2010, I'd just finished my sophomore year at MSU and was in Los Angeles to catch my flight to Australia for a month of volunteering/travelling. I was alone, knew no one, I'd never done anything like this in my life, and the night before while I was lying in that hotel bed, I was pretty nervous. So when I reached my gate at LAX looking around for a friendly face and heard this fantastic laugh, I turned my head in that direction. That's when I saw her. Beautiful, blonde, sitting on the floor with a couple people and a lovely, warm smile spread across her face. I walked over and took a seat next to her, and I'd like to say it was the best decision I've ever made, but then I'd be doing a disservice to destiny because the chain of events that happened in the next hour was so ridiculous that was no way that I wasn't meant to meet this girl. But don't take my word for it, I'm gonna list off a few things then you can decide for yourself when I'm finished:
She originally signed up for a different date, but changed it after she found out that her favorite band, (Something Corporate) was having a reunion tour that summer and the dates conflicting. First thought: "This girl is a bad ass."
She was listening to my favorite band (Brand New) on her iPod.
The next band she named was Modest Mouse, who I saw live but a couple weeks earlier.
Not only could she quote Anchorman as well if not better than I could, she could also quote the supremely under appreciated Grandma's Boy. (This was about the time I started to fly around the airport on a cloud of smiles)
Ok, so I suppose you could chalk those things up to a crazy random happenstance...but then THIS happened. Naturally, after thoroughly enjoying every moment of talking to someone for about an hour, I was bummed out when the plane started boarding knowing that we weren't sitting anywhere near each other. Walking behind her in a single file line down the aisle, we reached her seat first, a sad smile of utter disappointment surely on my face as I told her I'd see her in like 16 hours...that's about the time she dropped her bag on the head of the woman sitting next to her. The woman, clearly pissed off, looked at me, asked me if I had a window seat, and my heart raced. I had no idea, so I said I'd be right back as I went to check...I did! I came back, told the lady my seat was ripe for the taking, then just like that...Ashley was back in my life. She continued impressing me all the way there, those details probably don't matter to anyone to me though, I'll just tell you my strongest memory. It was the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep so I was probably just watching a dumb movie, when suddenly I felt something on my shoulder. I looked over and there she was, head rested on my shoulder, sleeping. I don't know how long she was there, and I know that sounds like nothing to most people, but to me, that was the moment that for the first time in my life, I knew what I wanted.
I spent four weeks in some of the most beautiful places in the world with some of the coolest people I'll ever meet, yet she was the thing I thought about most. When we were on a yacht on the Sydney Harbor gazing out at an incredible sunset, I remember her laugh at the twist I put on Ron Burgundy's "San Diego means whale's vagina" joke more than the sun. Getting cheered on by strangers while singing karaoke was awesome, but it didn't make me smile as big as when Ashley said she liked my voice. And doing a strip tease on a speed boat for a bachelorette party was funny and all, but I laugh more at the memory of Ashley talking about how "freeing" skinny dipping is. At the end of the trip, the group of us that were closest were walking through LAX, dropping off one by one as we reached each person's gate back home. The group dwindled and dwindled until finally, the group contained me, Ashley, and the lovely Bhumi. I said goodbye to Bhumi first because she and Ashley were going the same way, then it was just the two of us. Holding Ashley in my arms, I said to her, "First person I met, last person I say bye too..." and she let out a soft laugh, then responded, "I know...perfect." I wanted to pull her face to mine, kiss more deeply than I've kissed anyone before, and tell this girl who amazed me at every turn that I loved her, that she changed my life, that I would never forget the time I spent with her...but I didn't. I kissed her on the cheek, she kissed mine back, then I walked away and sat in the international terminal for a seven hour layover thinking to myself..."What the FUCK was that?" That boy knew exactly what he wanted, who wanted to kiss that girl from the moment the words "Brand New" came out of her mouth was a timid fool, and never did he tell or show the girl of his dreams how he felt.
I have very few regrets in my life, having Ashley around my life for that time, having all those feelings, and basically just doing nothing, is hands down the dumbest thing I have ever done. Sure she may not have reciprocated my feelings and rejection isn't fun, but I felt something, and that should have been enough to take a chance. Stephen Chbosky put it best in his brilliant Perks of Being a Wallflower, "You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things." I didn't do anything, and those long bleak hours in that godforsaken terminal was the best lecture I could have received in order for the hardest, most important lesson about taking action to truly sink in.
I haven't seen Ashley since the trip ended, but we occasionally keep in touch, usually in October around our back to back birthdays. The highlight of the birthday chats being from the weekend of our collective 21st birthday's when we had a conversation led to me nearly crying from laughter on the streets of Ann Arbor...ha, God that girl really has a way of making you miss the Hell outta her. As of my writing this she is working for the Susan G. Komen foundation doing her best to kick breast cancer's ass so hard that it is eliminated from the Earth, something I would not be at all surprised she manages to accomplish. (Donate!)
To be honest with you, I've never missed anyone more than I miss her. The way she can make someone feel so good about themselves, about life when she's around to share a laugh...she's unlike anyone. Before I met Ashley I had gone through one of the toughest years of my life, and meeting her at that time, sharing that once in a lifetime experience with her...she filled my heart with an optimism that I hadn't felt in too long of a time, maybe ever. It's rare I put my iPod on shuffle and don't hear a song that reminds me of just how wonderful of a person Ashley is, and every time I hear Andrew McMahon say "It's 11:11 and you wanna talk" or Demetri Martin talk about the wondrous laundry machine (It's not a how you do it machine), a smile of mixed emotions always comes to my face. I have no idea if I will ever see her again, but I really hope I do, because if that day comes, I'm gonna serenade her with the best damn song about bacon the world has ever heard.
With love and admiration,
Andrew
